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winglessdreams
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Name: Linda
Country: United States
State: Oregon
Metro: Portland
Gender: Female
Interests: anime, beading, butterflies, choir, clubbing/dancing, cooking, costume design, crafting, ddr, drawing, foreign languages, french, gaming, hand cuffs, hiking, manga, musicals, mythology, neurology, philosophy, photography, poetry, psychology, rpgs, singing (art songs, arias, and folk songs), theatre, traveling, writing
Expertise: french, beading, vietnamese cooking
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
4/8/2005
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Also it's late. At least it feels that way to me now. About a month ago going to bed at midnight would be early. I did the right thing signing up for summer classes.
It's been weird... weird good. I was at one of my lower points in life, not getting sleep, eating crap, not doing anything. I did all that was necessary, like eating, sleeping, general hygiene of course. But I stopped doing the extra stuff like washing my face, shaving legs, dressing up. All I did really was read, and go over to Jordan's and we'd watch the office because I hadn't seen it.
And then it changed. I got up somehow at 6 for my morning class. Been getting good grades, 5 A's and 2 B's on the quizzes so far. (Why is it that I always blog about school?) I'm doing alright in that aspect. Eating healthier, cooking almost once a day, eating breakfast, ect... Cleaned up the house, and I'm getting along with my parents. That includes my dad. It's weird, just something I never would've been able to imagine. I let go of my anger of the past. Like I became grown up in that sense. (And no that's not a type, "grown up" not "A grown up"). I don't get angry at them. I mean I do but when I'm ticked off it goes away.
I had been worried about that for awhile. That I had forgotten how to be angry, but then I felt it. And instead of going off the wall, I held my tongue, and was better for it. That doesn't mean what they say or do won't affect me. For instance when my dad called me out on it, "you've been a good daughter this past couple weeks. I'm so glad that you finally put family first."
Which I agreed with because it was true. I always felt that my friends were more supportive. I realize now that just because my family's not supportive doesn't mean they don't love me or care. He went on though. "It's good, better to realize this now than too late. If we die, then there's nothing you can do. I know God had something to do with this change. People don't just change all that much at once."
And this really hurt me. Because I realize that even though we get along, there won't be that understanding... He doesn't see who I am, only what I am and do. But it's something, at least he hears what I say, but not the meaning behind it.
I'd link to think that my mom knew I had it in me all along. I feel bad for the times she's had to mediate between us. Because we do love each other... we just don't express it really well, my dad and I. If he knew some of the things I've done... I'm pretty sure he'd do something he regrets, not because it'd be wrong, but because he could go to jail for them. I'm not terrified of him now, just the stuff I know he could do.
Anyway I'm getting off topic. This past month has been really good in many respects. It's been pretty busy, going to to Mt. Hood, Oneanta George, Hood River, Washougal River, 4th of July, Zombie Opera. I've even been writing, taking a lot of pictures, and made a couple friends in class. I felt different, like a confident person.
But see, I have this thing where when things go great... I worry about them crashing down. Like I don't have karma for all this goodness so something bad will happen. Or that all of this is artificial and I'm just in deep deep denial. And I feel it slipping away a bit. I don't know if it's because of my negative thinking or if I was right in the first place. I'm missing meals, going to bed late, tired in the mornings, getting B's on quizzes instead of A's.
I don't want it to go away, but I don't want something fake at the same time. We'll see. It's not like I have been here before, where things go great and bright, but end up burning out like a light or a comet. I don't want to burn out just yet.
Intuition or Worring? Which is it? It feels like both honestly.
I need to solve my money problems and get a job. I need to study for my final next week. I need to figure out loans. I need to pursue happiness and not let it wait to come to me.
Maybe that's what I need. A happiness that doesn't just drop into my lap and make me worry about karma, but something I can strive for.
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| WinglessdreamsIf you don't already know, I'm quite attached to the name, "Wingless Dreams," to the point where I get offended when I find another person using it. Which is ridiculous I know, but that's always my initial reaction.
I've been meaning to post about it for a long time, but just never felt the words would be right. And they probably won't be now, but that's okay.
I came up it with it ages ago, wanting to find a username that was unique and didn't require things like underscores, numbers, or 1337. It started with "Wingless butterfly" which of course was taken, wingless-butterfly, wingless_butterfly, ect... I liked the idea of butterflies, not just because of how pretty they look, but also the fact that they fly. Beauty is a mask, but that same mask is what allows them their freedom.
I've always felt like I wear a mask, or at least try to don one that covers all my flaws. It is a quite demur little asian girl who goes along with everything, never disagreeing. Now and again it slips and my true self comes out, a quiet yet very opinionated woman, who has a temper, whines sometimes, and has a lot of insecurities. But I found out that I also cover up good sides when I wear my mask.
Anywho I'm diverging from my original point. I wanted to keep the word "wingless" because it'd keep the same meaning, which meant I had to find a replacement for "butterfly." Since I associate flying and dreams together it hit me, "wingless dreams, where nothing is what it seems." I scrapped the last part (the moment I heard it I nearly gagged). And then I really thought about it. What does it mean? Because until I found out I wouldn't let myself use it. So I slept on it, and in my dream I was flying like most people do, without wings.
It doesn't matter whether or not we have wings now, we'll dream of it, the impossible. Grow our own, real or artificial, but we get there. Right now I feel like I don't have them, wings that is, yet underneath I'm still me. Even when I do get them, I'll still have dreams of flying without them. I'll always dream of the "impossible," because that's how we get there.
PS.
Obligatory pimping of my new flickr account and craft blog: pictures! crafts!
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| So who did conquered their fears and hiked in a cave?
*points to self*
Yeah, that's right.
:D
Went to Ape Cave, even had a moment where it was pitch black when we turned off our flashlights. Not much about it on wiki but here it is: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ape_Cave
We probably did about 4 miles, including hiking outside and doing another trail.
Mkay.
(End self praise.) | | |
| "Why are we born?"
"That's easy. We were born to live." | | |
| Lets see... I cleaned the stove, counter tops, did dishes, swept, and mopped.
I'm about to make dinner (waiting for the floor to dry), will do maybe a load of laundry tonight so i have less to do tomorrow, and do research for my book.
I will have a clean place and get a good chunk of collating and research done before summer classes,. | | |
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